Mental depression is something that’s been with me most of my life. It’s usually brought on by events that happen to me. Sometimes they’re self inflicted, or I can’t cope. It’s usually job related. Or I make a mistake, and it becomes huge.
I suffered a self inflicted event last Wednesday. My temper got the best of me, and I did something stupid. Really stupid. It cost the loss of an activity I really enjoyed. Gone forever. Poof
Now here I am back with my best enemy, depression. It’s kind of like being pregnant. You forget about it until it’s back. One good thing about is my appetite diminishes. I’ve already lost the 5 pounds I recently gained. In the throes of this lousy disease I’m still worrying about
my weight. Is that so ingrained in the psyche of a woman? I’m about to be 67 ! Will I still be doing this 10 years from now?
I can’t stop thinking about what happened, how I could have changed the ending. I had so many chances, but now it’s too late. It’s called ruminating. One of the hallmarks of this nasty disease. Going over things over and over.
I know physical exercise is good for this disease. My head actually feels like those cartoons when a boxer is on the ground. You see characters in a ballon stars, numbers, and other things.
So I dragged my ever expanding body and stuck it in my happy pink bathing suit. I went down those pool laps in what seemed to be slow motion. After that, I went to a zumba class. But I was so slow that some girls asked me if I needed help. “Girls, I said. It’s emotional pain, not physical. ” but at least I did it! Something to be proud about.
I went to see my almost 95 year old aunt who now has dementia. The younger version of her would’ve been good to talk to, but this version couldn’t hold any conversation all the way through. But she did look at me like she knew something wasn’t quite right. In a flash, that recognition was gone. But the good thing is she was still happy, and is well enough to still enjoy life. An eternal optimist still lives within her. But it runs in very short loops. Not much help to me today.
My caring husband does what he can . He keeps me moving. He knows that’s the best thing to do. This disease brings up more dependence. Not a good thing for anyone. Many people would have left a thousand times by now. He takes the whole package, the good with the bad.
Another hallmark of this disease is wanting to give up and just lay in bed, which makes the ruminating catch on fire. So the best thing to do is avoid the bedroom altogether till it’s just a place to go for sleep.
But the optimistic side of this is that I know if I keep working on it, it will pass. Medication, not too much, helps, but it doesn’t work by itself. You gotta push, push, too. Never give into this monster. Fight it although you really don’t want to anymore.
I know I can do it because I’ve done it so many times before.
This one is not going to be easy. It’s old, tough, and surrounding me.